Darklips does Jordheim



The story starts out when a young Hibernian female is kidnapped by trolls and taken to Jordheim as a slave.  Her true name is Lilly Treehumper.



[Open scene Jordheim brothel]


Big, the troll pimp of the brothel enters the room where Lilly is chained up.


Big: “Big have plans for you hibbie! Haha, Big going to make you work!


Lilly: “ No, please!  I’m not even married, Please!!!!”


Big: “Ahah, dem hibbies!!! Me have special request from kobold.  Kobold has many wishes to be with hibbie!”


Lilly: “No please no, I was molested by a Lukireen when I was younger, I can’t take those short people! Please!!”


Big laughs


[Enter Smeagol]


Smeagol: “Ooh ohh ohh,  Aiiiyeee!! “


Big: “Huh buddy, you pay Big first!!!”


Smeagol dishes out 20 Middie Gold.


Big: “Hahah, me leave you do alone.  Haha, Me hope hibbie like Smeagol’s spear.  Haha”


[Big leaves]


[Enter erotic love scene]


Warning: R rating, use imagination.


[Scene opens the next day with Lilly passed out, Smeagol laying on her chest]


Lilly: “Wow, I never knew Kobolds had so much energy!”


Smeagol: “Hehehe, aaaiiyeee! MY precccciousssssss.   I am very motivatedddd.   I hope you know I am very high specced in speeeearrr!


Lilly: “ tehehe, no elves I ever knew could use a spear like you smeagol hunny!”


Smeagol: “aiiyeeee! My spear is crumbling! I haven’t used it that much, help! You evil wench!”


Lilly: “Huh? You must have used it wrong!!!  It doesn’t hurt us, but maybe others it does!”


Smeagol: “ No my spear!!!


[Smeagol runs out the room]


Hours pass by and Big enters the room.


Big: “Har har, you make customer mad! He favorite!”


Lilly: “I’m sorry Mr.Big, but I know not what my elven chemistry can do to your spears!”


Big: “Hmph! Big mad! Big must sell you at half price to man with big horn”


The biggest hung dwarf in Midgard enters the room.


Lock: “ Har har, give me elven wench!”


Big: “Haha. Give much punishment to her.  She scare away biggest customer!


Lock proceeds to purchase Lilly and they travel back to his Faste somewhere in Yggdra.


[Enter Lock Bed Chambers]


Lock: “You live dwarves!”


Lilly: “No , I think all of Midgard is cruel and ugly!”


Lock pulls at the horn of Valhalla.


Lilly: “OMG Its so big!”


Lock smiles ear to ear.  He knows the little elf has been mesmerized by the powerful horn he has equipped.


Lock: “It has been in storage awhile, polish it wench!”


Lilly uses the secret method of horn polishing.  Soon the horn of Valhalla is able to blow at full volume.


Lock: “”ahh yes wench, you were worth it!”


Months pass and Lilly has grown accustomed to being the royal horn polisher.  But soon she realizes she must escape to Hibernia.


Late one night she manages to steal a sword from the kitchen.


Lock: “Yes, that’s right, polish the horn again!”


Lilly takes the sword and slices the horn in half!


Lock: “Evil wench, you shall pay!”


Lilly, in her rage manages to call a magical force from no where.




Lock goes flying out the window from the force.


Quickly Lilly grabs a few things and proceeds to escape.

She wanders the frozen wasteland of Midgard, and then in the distance she sees something Hibernian-Like.


 A Pookah! What is a pookah doing out in Midgard?!


Pookah: “Ho ho ho”


Lilly: “A talking pookah?”


Pookah: “ I am the GREAT pookah!”


Lilly: “What are you doing here?!?”


Pookah: “The other pookah’s didn’t want to play pookah games with me!”


Lilly: “Why not?”


Pookah: “Because, I glow!”


Lilly: “Glow? Where?”


The Pookah then turns around, lifting its tail.


Lilly: “Oh my! Its like, glowing!!!”


The Pookah sighs.


Lilly: “Why is that?”


Pookah: “I was cursed, I tried to mate with a torcan, didn’t go over good with the forces of nature. But I loved that torcan.  Oh yes…”


Lilly: “ That is terrible! I’ve been the slave of trolls, kobolds, and dwarves! How I wish to return to Hibernia!”


The Pookah’s eyes light up.


Pookah: “Well, I can fly us back!”


Lilly: “You can fly too?”


Pookah: “Yes, the forces have a cruel sense of humor.  They said for me to be ‘normal’ again I would need the help of an Elven maiden!”


Lilly: “I’m an elven maiden!!”


Pookah: “Help me! I just need you to do something!”


Lilly: “Sure what?”


Pookah: “Kiss the glowing ring! You must kiss it and get the glow off! There must be no glow!”


Lilly: “I’m done worse!”


Lilly lifts the tail of the pookah and begins to kiss the glowing ring!


Lilly: “AHH! Such a terrible taste!”

Pookah: “Tell mother nature we need scented leaves! Don’t complain to me!”


Lilly kiss and gets all the glow off.


Pookah: “Hahah, your lips are stained!”


Lilly notices her lips are stained very dark brown.


Pookah: “Ok, hop on, here we go!”


[Play Neverending Story Theme music]


Lilly and the Great Pookah fly all the way to Hibernia.



[Scene, Tir Nan Og]


Amberle: “Hey Lilly, whats with the lips?”


Lilly: “Shut up! Just shut up all of you!”


Suddenly 20 Lukireen’s surround Lilly in a circle holding hands.


Lukireens:” We are the lollipop bunch!! La la la!! Everyone say hurray for Darklips!”


Dancing continues.  Lilly, now know as Darklips breaks down crying!



This is the story of how Darklips was mentally abused and became the way she is now.  Now we can all feel her pain and maybe understand her frustrations!!