Big

 

 

Malvegil awoke the next day in the Abbey out side Camelot.  Apparently one of the friars had been on a pilgrimage and found his body scarred and bleeding.

 

“What, what am I doing here?”

 

The good friar tended to his wounds and smiled.

 

“We found you in the snow, you had been mortally wounded. Luckily Brother Scowl found you and was able to save you.”

 

Malvegil sat up.  His armor and weapons in the corner of the room, clean and shining.

 

“I see you have tended to my equipment, I thank the church and the brothers”

 

The friar began to clean up the used bandages and walked towards the door.

 

“Thank Elaieva the cleric, she insisted on cleanliness. She spits shined your pole arm.”

 

Malvegil look surprised.

 

“Wow, she sure did a thorough job, not a spot missed.”

 

Malvegil, angry that his mission failed began to plot.  He did not want Phedra for his bride, as they Midgard had imagined.  He wanted to deliver her before Landrew, for he was wifeless.  

 

The knight recruited a small group of Albion and soon they headed to the big troll’s hunting grounds.

 

[Open scene Emain Picnic grouns]

 

Loghery Man: “Yes madam, here is your fine elven wine”

 

Phedra: “Thank you so much! Hah, elven wine gets me so hot!”

 

Big: “Big like Phedra hot.   Har Har, Big thing Phedra can move dat hammer!”

 

Phedra: “Now Biggie, don’t get riled up.  I might have to stun you!”

 

Big laughs a jolly laugh while chewing on the leg of a fallen Hibernian elf.

 

Then all of the sudden Smeagol and his kobold polka band show up.

 

Smeagol: “Oohh ,yesssss BIG! We gots song for Big the pimp”

 

Big: “Me like song.  My like blue Smeagol”

 

The kobolds surround big and begin dancing.

 

[Play YMCA song]

 

“Hes Big! He’s Big! He’s a rock! He’s likes to !&*#!” He’s Big, He comes for you, he’s looking for you! He eats dem hibbies, he crushes dem hibbies!”

 

Smeagol beaks out in his kobold dancing skills

 

[Solo]

 

“Big! Big! Will you show us how Big! In his cave! At his picnic Big lives and eats the elfs.  He knows no bathes, he knows no cologne, and he’s content lying alone!!”

 

[Rest of the Kobolds join in]

 

 

“He’s Big! He’s Higgable!  He’s Luvable! He’s Nice! He’s scared of Mice! He’ll come rolling over to you! He’s Big! La la la la!”

 

[Insert Jabba the Hutt laugh]

 

Big: “Hehe, me like song.  Now we watch Phedra dance!”

 

[Stun Spell goes off]

 

Phedra: “Just so the little blue men don’t get any ideas”

 

[Phedra does seductive dance with hammer]

 

 

[Back to Malvegil]

 

Malvegil stands in front of his troops, the Angels.

 

“Okay Ladies, its that time of the month!”

 

The troop, clad in hot pink plate and chain start yelling and complaining how men suck and the toilet seat is always up.

 

Malvegil and his Angels run around Emain for a few hours when the come over a hill to see a sight.

 

A troll chewing on a elf leg, a bunch of kobolds stunned, and a naked norse woman dancing with a hammer.

 

To be continued…